Bonner's Journal-Day 30. Be a man!

February, 13. Day 30

Getting my house in order.
Help, God!

I have been living the fasted life since we began this journey. I have never fasted before, so this entire process is new to me...but one that I MUST take. Desperation for the voice of God has consumed me.

Through fasting, prayer, study, praise and reflection I have asked God to dig into the deepest part of my being as I go about being the head of this household. Oh, God! Search out my heart!

Have I ever really been a leader? Have I ever done ALL that I knew in my heart that I should? Why would I wait until tragedy strikes to find God's desire for my family? Really allow HIM to show me what a husband-father looks like?

So many opportunities to teach and train my children in Godly living have been presented to me, it boggles my mind. I see teachable moments everywhere.


How many times have I overlooked the opportunity to be a dad? How many moments have I let slip through my fingers? What was I focused on all these years? How many times did my own heart convict me that I needed to change?

The reality of being a failing father is disgusting! 

I REFUSE to be a loser who selfishly seeks his own. I REFUSE to go after a life of self, and leave my family to fend for themselves. I REFUSE to justify in my mind that I deserve to make myself feel good, when I know in my heart that I am to seek my families needs first. I REFUSE to be a lazy slob who hides behind the lie that "I go to work and provide for my family." I REFUSE to lie to myself. I REFUSE to remain a coward. I REFUSE to hide behind my family when I know I should be walking out the role He has called me to be in my profession and social position. I REFUSE to act religious, when I know I am to be a warrior!

God said, "Husbands love your wives (and children) just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." 

Did you get that Bonner? Jesus DIED for the church...you are to DIE for your wife and children! Jesus showed His love by giving up His desires for the church...you are to give away your selfish motives and serve your family. Jesus proved love by doing what was difficult, you are to do the same.

Why don't we start with the way you SPEAK to your wife and family, Bonner?...do you speak to them in the loving tone that Jesus talks to the church? Do your words reflect His love?

There are so many weaklings out there...that call themselves men, but do not do what men are supposed to do. I REFUSE to be one of them.

Here is what men do:
Men lay down their life. Men serve. Men make the extra effort. Men do the tasks that no one wants to do. Men go the distance for their wives and children, even when it is uncomfortable. Men refuse to seek their own pleasure, but choose the well being of their families first. Men spend unending hours searching their own hearts for selfishness...then they destroy it. Men live a quest for excellence. Men live a life of transparency. Men snitch on their own sin to their wives, so that sin has no hiding place.  Men get their own house in order, then they reach out to other men to do the same.

No more excuses. Step up and be a man. Quit blaming. Quit justifying. Quit whining & complaining. Are you a man or not? What did God make you to be? 

Where are all the men?


Wake up Bonner!
Wake up husband!
Wake up father!

I  choose to become a better man. Complete humility. Complete renovation of this house, gutting it out, down to the rock on which my foundation stands...Jesus the ultimate man. No one ever gave as much as He did. He is my hero. I choose to do what He did.

I know that with my surrender, as the leader of this house, God can direct our steps into greatness. Wherever He is taking this Christ-centerd family is going to be big!

Bonner's Journal-Day 29. 5 year old strength

February, 12. Day 29

Woke up in my own bed alone. 

Difficult night without Hannah, but my 5 year old son came in and spent the night with me. I know it is selfish, but I drew much comfort from him. I recognize in myself how adults so often "pull" from their children....because I am pulling from my own. I know it is backward, but I am gaining strength from being with my children.

Who can Hannah pull from on nights like these? Only you Holy Spirit. Without you being with her I would be concerned for her well being. Please comfort her.

Another challenge the children and I faced when we got home was an empty propane tank! 

How is this happening? No heat, no hot water, no cooking, no showers. My life is really being challenged right now....it is laughable.



Being that it is Sunday the children and I went to church and then had our family visit with Hannah. 

Good afternoon, especially when my aunt gave her a new pair of pink and white coach sneakers... we were able to show the family her ability to stand up.

Bonner's Journal-Day 28. Break to Starbucks

February 11, Day 28

Her first out to eat visit today, we pushed her several blocks to Starbucks for a great few hours of conversation and snacks

Today is our 19th day in the rehabilitation center. Could you have ever imagined that you would spend 19 days away from your wife?...let alone with her in a rehab facility fighting for her life?

We learned through their educational sessions that the "spinal shock stage" usually lasts 6-8 weeks, post surgery date. That means that if her surgery was on the 19th of January then she should be in a critical state until March. This is helpful to know.

According to the physicians after she moves out of this phase of recuperation it is very important to carefully watch: Frequent urination, regular bowel function, deep breathing, appropriate body temperature regulation and be on the watch for any significant swelling below the knee (clots).

Tonight is the first night for the kids and I to go home since her accident.

Thank you Lisa for being a true friend!
Your Loving efforts for my wife will never be forgotten....especially breaking us out for a Starbucks

Bonner's Journal- Day 27. End of Influence

February10, Day 27

Today is the day that I resigned my teaching & coaching position at Lemoore High School. I announced a meeting early in the week, and then met with them today. I was not prepared for the reaction that I would see...not even close.

There was much crying and hugs from my team, my coaches and fellow teachers.




Obviously the love that I gave them had an effect on them. I guess I never knew how much INFLUENCE I was actually having. Is it normal for a football coach to have his staff and team weep at his departure? I don't know...but I am hurting as much as they are.

Only God can provide the kind of strength that it took to face this task, and actually tell the men and boys that I love goodbye... especially when we just got started. We had a dream.

As I have felt about every school that I have coached at, I love these people.
I have always given myself to the community of people that I serve in the arena of football. Football for me is about mentoring young people in a time of their life when they so badly need it. Football for me is about helping parents send their young men into young adulthood with some tools of character. Football for me is about teaching boys how to sacrifice their desires for the good of others. I guess I have been attempting to teach them how to be a man, the way God intends.

I have seen more ACTIVE love from the Lemoore community than I have ever seen before, and I have only been working as their head football coach for one year. It is one thing to say "Oh, let me know what you need Bonner, whatever it is... we will help your family." It is another thing for them to actually make painful sacrifices for my family. It is true love when they put their own lives in a position that is uncomfortable. They have made an unswerving effort to actually DO something helpful.  Not just talk, but action. This is love.

It amazes me what people are capable of! Who had ever heard of a school district donating 60 plus days of their personal sick days to their football coach? Unheard of. This is what they did for my family!

 My football team going into the playoffs. We were chosen as the valley's team of the week!

Lemoore you are truly a quality people. I owe you my complete respect and admiration. I will always tell of your loving actions. I expect that you will forever have a great man to lead your sons to be men of character through the sport of football.

Bonner's Journal- Day 26. God our source

February 9, Day 26

I am so excited, because God is our source. 

If I were to depend on my ability to put our life back together, we wouldn't make it. If I were to reach forward into our future and prepare the way, it wouldn't turn out right. If I were to pick the exact day that my wife is made whole, I would miss many opportunities for growth. I am glad that I cannot make it turn out.


But GOD is my source. I don't think that settled into your heart Bonner...the Almighty God Himself is who is taking care of you! He has your life already set up. He is not wringing His hands in heaven, worried about what He is going to do with you, your marriage and your family. No! He has your supply set aside. What ever the need is, He has promised that you can depend on Him. Trust Him.

Ok then. I will have complete dependence on you, Lord! 

Oh, how important it is to "cast our cares" on you. I obey your command. I refuse to care. I refuse to worry. I refuse to give one moment of my thought in anxious concern. I don't have a care in the world. Why? Because I gave them all to Jesus! I have literally unloaded all my frustrations onto Him. I have said, "Here you go God, you take them." I throw my worries at God. I am not holding one thought of fear. Not one doubt will be in my mind.

I think of my family as healthy and whole again, back at our river camp!

Much of my efforts today were spent on piecing our lives back together, and reassuring Hannah that she will be ok. I have spent most of my energies today calling/discussing the dynamics of getting the children back home and enrolled in school again, while calming Hannah's fears of being left behind. 

She has been very resistant to any change, and for good reason. If I were her I would not want to be left alone in the hospital either...let alone with her helpless condition. 

However, she is not fully aware of how disturbing it is for our children to be out of our normal routine. With time she will understand more. This is ok,  I expect her to remain focused on herself completely. I am able to carry the family until she can return. It is time though for a change, the kids cannot be uprooted from their life any longer.  I can see it in their faces. Even though my extended family has done an amazing job in caring for them, and I am so very grateful for their loving help, I need to return my children to their "normal" routine.

The doctors are saying that she will probably need another month of therapy, which will extend her hospital stay. Our lives must continue to move forward. Painful reality.

Bonner's Journal-Day 24. A Tiger dies

February 7, Day 24

I know who my strength is. 
Lord, you are my solid place! 
I lean completely on You Jesus. 

After getting Hannah prepared for the day I got Lilly from great grandmas and went to my moms. I spent the day with the kids and my brother burning brush on the property. Fresh air! I needed it. Many tough decisions ahead.

I called LHS and prepared to meet my football team on Friday and announce my resignation. This is a tough decision to move on, but I am capable. I know that this transition is the right thing to do.

I love those boys and I have given a part of my life to lead them in life, but I must keep my priorities lined up. There is no way that I can keep care of my wife in the hospital, be a father to my hurting children, commute two hours a day, teach 300 students in PE and run a football program with 150 athletes. To attempt to do so would be foolish. I owe it to my team to allow someone else to step in and give them 100%. I owe it to them to give up our dream, because I can't help them get there right now...and they need me right now, not later. I have tried to hold on to it, trying to make it all work out in my mind, but I have to let it go. I am dying again.


I know that my teaching position is tied to my coaching position...which will automatically end my employment. This is a step of faith financially. Where will my paychecks come from? Will I continue in my passion as a head coach? Did I lose all that time that I put into my athletes? 


The answers are in Him.

A great student supports me after we lost the Milk can bowl

Bonner's Journal-Day 23. Debridement

February 6, Day 23


Oh God, prune us back to the very foundation. 
Cut off the dead wood. While we are at it, just surgically remove all the rotten contaminated tissue. Debridement.

Please repair this place that you have chosen to live in...US!
How shameful it is, for me to say that God lives in me...that He has chosen to abide in my person...that He goes everywhere with me...and I do not treat Him with the respect that He deserves. 

The Holy Ghost is a gentlemen. He is not a bully. He does not force his way into peoples lives...but He whispers ever so quietly, but consistently. Why do so many of us ignore Him? He is always speaking to everyone all the time...yet so few people listen. He is trying to make our lives better, yet we want to do it our way...and ignore our conscience. It is that easy. Listen to your heart. It will lead to a Loving Father every time. 

But that stupid mind of ours needs to be reprogrammed. Too many foolish people, too many degraded television commercials, too much pride and arrogance, etc etc. Pride is the worst of all.


So I say it again. God please kill me. I desire to be like your Son. I despise everything in me that is not of you. I am a fool. I am lost. I can do nothing without you. Hear my pleas for help. I keep my focus on your good words. I will not take my attention off of you. You are my only help. You have always been my identity, you always will be my identity. I surrender.


My Daughter
I have been bringing Lilly in to see Hannah at the hospital now. I am very concerned with her coping strategies. I understand that she is a young girl, however I am overwhelmed with how dysfunctional my daughter's view of her mother is right now. She has refused to look at her mother, to touch her, or to hug her. I am not a psychologist, but I know that this is unhealthy, and that I need to correct it immediately. 

What to do has been eluding me until I received direction from the Lord during church on how to help relieve Lilly's Emotional/Anger difficulties. God is good. He always will show us the way of wisdom if we will listen. So I will begin to implement the plan that He has given. Time with mommy will be the healing she needs.

 I demand in Jesus' name that Lilly will grow from this trial, just like every other member of our family. She is under my loving care, and I demand that the Lord have His perfect shalom in her soul.