Bonner's Journal-Day 39. Father son time

February 22- Day 39

 

Today I did something as a dad that I have never done, I took one of our children on a field trip. 

What an amazing lesson to learn, that God ALWAYS turns a rough situation into a Blessing lesson...if our hearts are truly open for any guidance, correction, and changes He might bring.

In a matter of one night I have gone from football coach to field trip dad. 

In the blink of an eye I went from managing 300 students and 150 athletes to managing laundry, meals and the continuity of my family full time.

Wow!

Isn't Life a challenge? And we better be ready to adjust, and do that without stress, worry or frustration.

 This attack on my wife's life has provided many opportunities for God's hand to work, one of them is providing Bodee and I quality father son time.

I realize that many people miss the truth about God. It is sad that many believe a foolish doctrine. They are deceived to believe that a God who is good, and enjoys extravagant riches and health in heaven...would take everything away from you and  make you sick, to teach you something about who He is. 

This is nonsense.

 No wonder why people don't want to serve our God! I wouldn't either if I thought that were true.

No, God is good and the devil is bad. It is so simple even my 8 year old son can understand what happens to us in this life. See John 10:10

Bonner's Journal-Day 38. A Writer's gift

February 21- Day 38. 

Yesterday was a day of Patience.

I have also submitted to the new ministry opportunity that my wife has asked of me. She has asked me to Journal her story and then publish them in a Blog. She has demanded that it be told. No matter how humiliating the reality, she wants me to record the lessons that God is teaching us- for others.

I remember  several years ago when the prophet Larry Huggins prayed for me to receive the gift of writing, ultimately for the kingdom of God. Here I am today, facing the opportunity to use my family's horrible challenge as a method for telling the goodness of God. The words of the prophet Huggins were correct! I hope that our life, and the pages of this online journal, can bring someone closer to the God who loves them.

This makes me ponder the purpose of blessings and prosperity. God does not heal, provide prosperity, or give greater insight for the sole purpose of making us comfortable. 

He is not against our being comfortable, but He increases us with these blessings so that we will increase the distribution of His promises and the advancement of His kingdom. More service is always the reason for promotion. If you won't use it for His purposes, He will never give you more. Are you in need of a promotion? Then you had better take a long hard look at every area of your life...and see if you have been truly faithful. Use it or lose it. 

So I am currently thinking PRODUCTION. If I was truly gifted with the ability to write for Jesus, then its time to produce.

The bible asks a stunning statement: "who can find a faithful man?" This implies that being faithful with what you are given is a rare thing with man kind.

Am I really faithful with the gifts and talents that He has given me?

looks like I am a bit excited

Bonner's Journal-Day 37. I am starving!

February 20th. Day 37.

I personally feel the same gravity that I see the children display. Our lives are in an odd state of flux, and we are desperate for the Lord to reveal Himself .To spend time with the Holy One, I woke and went for a jog as the sun came up.


Today is 4th day that I have refused all food...and I am starving!
But what needs to be made clear is that I am starving for God's presence. I am hungry for Him to be made more real to me. The hunger that my physical body is experiencing pales in comparison to my hunger for God's love. I have had it MANY times before, and I need it now more than ever.


You might ask, "Is it possible to FEEL God?"
Yes, we can learn by experience that "in His presence is fullness of joy."


The Christian has the ability to have a continual experience with God's person. I can report that this experience is more real than talking with someone face to face. The depth of joy and love that is felt cannot be matched anywhere else in this world. I know, I've tried.


 just like David said...

As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God? Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. (Psalm 42:1, 2, 11 KJV)

Bonner's Journal-Day 36. One month from fusion

February 19- Day 36.

It has been one month from the fusion surgery.

We have spent 27 days in this rehabilitation center. I would never imagine that my wife wouldn't come home that night of the accident...for a month!

This is the  3rd day of my fast.

I realize that we are officially in the receiving mode. God is greatly concerned with every detail of our life, and so we completely rest in Him and take what He is offering. We grab hold of His new offer for us. We say "yes" to this new journey and where it leads.

Full peace.

Humility ends all striving, when focused on Him. We ARE healed...in heart, mind and emotions. Full resurrection in our marriage and family. We give Him full permission to do anything He desires with us.

 Today was the most difficult visit that the kids have had yet

When the kids are away from their mother they have the ability to become engrossed in their daily life, which is good for them. However, when they see their mother at the hospital (usually on a Sunday) they are reminded of what they cannot have, and they act out. It tears my heart apart to see such pain in my family, but I know that we will be made so much stronger from this ordeal.

Bonner's Journal-Day 35. Planning our new life

February 18. Day 35

Today is the 2nd day of my fast. 
I am feeling strong and focused on the call of God on our marriage, children and upcoming ministry. Fighting hunger has prepared my heart for anything that God may want to do with us. 

God asked  "Whom shall I send?"... Isaiah said, "Here I am, send me!"

I say the same. 

I want to be used by Him. I want to be useful to my King. I willingly sacrifice ALL for your purposes, Lord.
 
We spent this entire Saturday planning and bringing order to our home. My aunt, our Nanni, the kids and I discussed over the course of seven hours, every aspect of our home life and how we are going to follow the spirit of wisdom and organization. God is clearly trimming our family back and building our lives on His solid foundation. We are seeing the beginnings of order.

What great thing does He have in store for us? How different is our future walk with Him, that He would completely restart our entire life? 

All involved intimately with our journey can see the hand of God on this new beginning.

Bonner's Journal-Day 34. The fast begins

February 17. Day 34

 Learning to walk all over again

God has pressed the restart button on our lives. 

New Beginnings is upon us. 

Plow deeply Lord! Tear up that which is hardened against you.

Today I began a 21 day liquid fast for Hannah, for our family and for the call of God on our lives. 
Jesus said, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled."

I am one of those He is describing. This passage is describing where Bonner Cunnings is in his life right now. I am HUNGRY for God's plan. I THIRST for His way of living. I desire His correction, teaching and equipping more than food!
 
The kids also began a fast today for Hannah. I am amazed at the maturity level of my young family. I have never heard of children who would skip meals so that they could press God for their needs. I am so proud of them. They are learning to be conquerors.
I am fasting from food because I need to know the right way to go with our life. We came too close to death for me to just shrug this off. I have had my reality check.

I cannot be confused about the future choices that lie ahead.



I am refusing all food, seeking God's face and trusting that He is guiding me. Because fasting is something that Jesus said to do, I know that I am correct in using this form of concentration to clearly see the direction for my family. 

The children and I prayed a prayer of agreement (Matthew 18:19) that she will have gained everything she needs in her soul from the Lord, she will have gained everything she needs in her body from therapy, and be released in time to be at our churches yearly camp meeting.

Her therapy today presented a challenge, that proved to shake her to the core of her soul. The simple task of  stepping onto a small box was overwhelming, causing her to break down with weeping. I got a small glimpse of how much of a test this entire journey is on her mind, will and emotions.

Oh God, have your glory in my wife! Strengthen her for the battle you have assigned to her in the future.

Bonner's Journal-Day 33. Fancy Braid

February 16. Day 33 

 No matter how miserable the neck brace is, Hannah is still smiling

33 days in the hospital, 24 days of rehab. Our life is truly starting over from scratch.

Patience with Gods perfect timing of things, and full effort with what we find in our power to do. Soften our heart to receive what you are desiring to plant, Lord!

I am truly amazed at the medical &therapy staff and their knowledge of how the body works. Their ability to accurately diagnose what Hannah's body is doing and assign accurate movements that rehabilitate each and every muscle group is phenomenal. I am increasing in my knowledge of the body each day. I can see how this field is at the other end of the spectrum of what I do with athletes.
How magnificent is Gods intricate creation! Such wisdom in the field of healing!

I am constantly hearing the OT/PT report how Hannah is capable of doing more than the day before, which is a good sign that her therapy is effective and still needed. The doctor even said that her progress is as if she is going up stairs multiple steps/accomplishments at a time. 

Exponential progress is the result of Hannah's unswerving effort and complete hope in God. 

I tried to get credit for braiding her hair, but none of the nurses were fooled

Bonner's Journal-Day 32. God is NOT in control

February15. Day 32

Thank you Lord for making repairs on our life...Physical repairs, Mental repairs and repairs to our relationships. Repairs that are necessary for survival.

As it is with so many people, the enemy has taken illegal residence in our life. He has cleverly worked his way into the way we think, the way we talk, the habits we have, the decisions we make...so that we cannot defend ourselves against his attacks on our own, without the help of God.
I hate the devil so much, because he is so good at destroying lives. Just look at the amount of evil, perversion and injustice that has filled our world. It is so obvious that there is something terribly wrong! We have an enemy. Whether you see him or not is the clincher.

"God is in control"...people say.  But that statement is not completely true. God is NOT in control over all things on this earth and the things that are happening here. If He were in control He is doing a lousy job! NO, people are in control of their life, and they make decisions every day that ruin their life and many others! They are deceived, trapped and blinded into life destroying decisions...by their invisible enemy, Satan.

God has delegated dominion and authority on earth to humans...He is not a thief, He is not going to take back what He has given to us. He has given us all the ammunition we need to overcome everything that this horrible world could throw at us... in His simple little book. Every single answer is there for every person on earth to have total victory.

Why don't you read it?

God is not some puppet master in the sky who decided to smash Hannah head on in a car wreck to teach her a lesson. He was not in control of that car...however He DOES get involved when we ask Him! Because we invited Him into our life, He was involved in protecting Hannah...in protecting my marriage...in protecting my children's future...in protecting our impact on this world.

He can only help those who invite Him. He can only assist those who ask for it. He is a gentlemen...He doesn't barge His way into your life. He must be asked. Isn't that what you would want? Don't you want people to invite you into their friendship?

In Matthew 6:9-10 Jesus tells us what we should expect here on earth. He tells us to EXPECT HEAVEN ON EARTH. What does heaven look like? Do people go paralyzed? Do people have trouble walking? Are people in pain? Are people sad and depressed?
No, they are not...and we shouldn't be either. We are to pray that our lives on earth will mimic what it looks like in heaven!

I want to live in His heavenly will, right now. So I give God control. He has permission to take full control over the Cunning's life. I relinquish all control, and hand it over to Him. I am learning the hard way that I cannot control my life.

Are you smart enough to relinquish control?

Bonner's Journal-Day 31. Kids back to school

February 14. Day 31

Today is Hannah's 22nd day of rehab.

God is repairing many holes in our existence, through His loving hand.
Today is the first day of school for our children in over a month. They have been privileged to be at their grandparents for a month (Hannah's accident was January the 14th). Sheltering them from the harsh reality that my wife and I are facing is a good thing. Children need to be free from the burden of care. They will have plenty of time to absorb the upcoming challenges that we will face.

Yesterday and last night we established what the operation of the home will be like with mommy gone, today we began our new journey. Getting back to our "normal" routine won't be the same without my wife, but we must piece our lives back together.

Everyone is excited to go back to school, especially when the entire school is celebrating their return with a Valentines party!

Bonner's Journal-Day 30. Be a man!

February, 13. Day 30

Getting my house in order.
Help, God!

I have been living the fasted life since we began this journey. I have never fasted before, so this entire process is new to me...but one that I MUST take. Desperation for the voice of God has consumed me.

Through fasting, prayer, study, praise and reflection I have asked God to dig into the deepest part of my being as I go about being the head of this household. Oh, God! Search out my heart!

Have I ever really been a leader? Have I ever done ALL that I knew in my heart that I should? Why would I wait until tragedy strikes to find God's desire for my family? Really allow HIM to show me what a husband-father looks like?

So many opportunities to teach and train my children in Godly living have been presented to me, it boggles my mind. I see teachable moments everywhere.


How many times have I overlooked the opportunity to be a dad? How many moments have I let slip through my fingers? What was I focused on all these years? How many times did my own heart convict me that I needed to change?

The reality of being a failing father is disgusting! 

I REFUSE to be a loser who selfishly seeks his own. I REFUSE to go after a life of self, and leave my family to fend for themselves. I REFUSE to justify in my mind that I deserve to make myself feel good, when I know in my heart that I am to seek my families needs first. I REFUSE to be a lazy slob who hides behind the lie that "I go to work and provide for my family." I REFUSE to lie to myself. I REFUSE to remain a coward. I REFUSE to hide behind my family when I know I should be walking out the role He has called me to be in my profession and social position. I REFUSE to act religious, when I know I am to be a warrior!

God said, "Husbands love your wives (and children) just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." 

Did you get that Bonner? Jesus DIED for the church...you are to DIE for your wife and children! Jesus showed His love by giving up His desires for the church...you are to give away your selfish motives and serve your family. Jesus proved love by doing what was difficult, you are to do the same.

Why don't we start with the way you SPEAK to your wife and family, Bonner?...do you speak to them in the loving tone that Jesus talks to the church? Do your words reflect His love?

There are so many weaklings out there...that call themselves men, but do not do what men are supposed to do. I REFUSE to be one of them.

Here is what men do:
Men lay down their life. Men serve. Men make the extra effort. Men do the tasks that no one wants to do. Men go the distance for their wives and children, even when it is uncomfortable. Men refuse to seek their own pleasure, but choose the well being of their families first. Men spend unending hours searching their own hearts for selfishness...then they destroy it. Men live a quest for excellence. Men live a life of transparency. Men snitch on their own sin to their wives, so that sin has no hiding place.  Men get their own house in order, then they reach out to other men to do the same.

No more excuses. Step up and be a man. Quit blaming. Quit justifying. Quit whining & complaining. Are you a man or not? What did God make you to be? 

Where are all the men?


Wake up Bonner!
Wake up husband!
Wake up father!

I  choose to become a better man. Complete humility. Complete renovation of this house, gutting it out, down to the rock on which my foundation stands...Jesus the ultimate man. No one ever gave as much as He did. He is my hero. I choose to do what He did.

I know that with my surrender, as the leader of this house, God can direct our steps into greatness. Wherever He is taking this Christ-centerd family is going to be big!

Bonner's Journal-Day 29. 5 year old strength

February, 12. Day 29

Woke up in my own bed alone. 

Difficult night without Hannah, but my 5 year old son came in and spent the night with me. I know it is selfish, but I drew much comfort from him. I recognize in myself how adults so often "pull" from their children....because I am pulling from my own. I know it is backward, but I am gaining strength from being with my children.

Who can Hannah pull from on nights like these? Only you Holy Spirit. Without you being with her I would be concerned for her well being. Please comfort her.

Another challenge the children and I faced when we got home was an empty propane tank! 

How is this happening? No heat, no hot water, no cooking, no showers. My life is really being challenged right now....it is laughable.



Being that it is Sunday the children and I went to church and then had our family visit with Hannah. 

Good afternoon, especially when my aunt gave her a new pair of pink and white coach sneakers... we were able to show the family her ability to stand up.

Bonner's Journal-Day 28. Break to Starbucks

February 11, Day 28

Her first out to eat visit today, we pushed her several blocks to Starbucks for a great few hours of conversation and snacks

Today is our 19th day in the rehabilitation center. Could you have ever imagined that you would spend 19 days away from your wife?...let alone with her in a rehab facility fighting for her life?

We learned through their educational sessions that the "spinal shock stage" usually lasts 6-8 weeks, post surgery date. That means that if her surgery was on the 19th of January then she should be in a critical state until March. This is helpful to know.

According to the physicians after she moves out of this phase of recuperation it is very important to carefully watch: Frequent urination, regular bowel function, deep breathing, appropriate body temperature regulation and be on the watch for any significant swelling below the knee (clots).

Tonight is the first night for the kids and I to go home since her accident.

Thank you Lisa for being a true friend!
Your Loving efforts for my wife will never be forgotten....especially breaking us out for a Starbucks

Bonner's Journal- Day 27. End of Influence

February10, Day 27

Today is the day that I resigned my teaching & coaching position at Lemoore High School. I announced a meeting early in the week, and then met with them today. I was not prepared for the reaction that I would see...not even close.

There was much crying and hugs from my team, my coaches and fellow teachers.




Obviously the love that I gave them had an effect on them. I guess I never knew how much INFLUENCE I was actually having. Is it normal for a football coach to have his staff and team weep at his departure? I don't know...but I am hurting as much as they are.

Only God can provide the kind of strength that it took to face this task, and actually tell the men and boys that I love goodbye... especially when we just got started. We had a dream.

As I have felt about every school that I have coached at, I love these people.
I have always given myself to the community of people that I serve in the arena of football. Football for me is about mentoring young people in a time of their life when they so badly need it. Football for me is about helping parents send their young men into young adulthood with some tools of character. Football for me is about teaching boys how to sacrifice their desires for the good of others. I guess I have been attempting to teach them how to be a man, the way God intends.

I have seen more ACTIVE love from the Lemoore community than I have ever seen before, and I have only been working as their head football coach for one year. It is one thing to say "Oh, let me know what you need Bonner, whatever it is... we will help your family." It is another thing for them to actually make painful sacrifices for my family. It is true love when they put their own lives in a position that is uncomfortable. They have made an unswerving effort to actually DO something helpful.  Not just talk, but action. This is love.

It amazes me what people are capable of! Who had ever heard of a school district donating 60 plus days of their personal sick days to their football coach? Unheard of. This is what they did for my family!

 My football team going into the playoffs. We were chosen as the valley's team of the week!

Lemoore you are truly a quality people. I owe you my complete respect and admiration. I will always tell of your loving actions. I expect that you will forever have a great man to lead your sons to be men of character through the sport of football.

Bonner's Journal- Day 26. God our source

February 9, Day 26

I am so excited, because God is our source. 

If I were to depend on my ability to put our life back together, we wouldn't make it. If I were to reach forward into our future and prepare the way, it wouldn't turn out right. If I were to pick the exact day that my wife is made whole, I would miss many opportunities for growth. I am glad that I cannot make it turn out.


But GOD is my source. I don't think that settled into your heart Bonner...the Almighty God Himself is who is taking care of you! He has your life already set up. He is not wringing His hands in heaven, worried about what He is going to do with you, your marriage and your family. No! He has your supply set aside. What ever the need is, He has promised that you can depend on Him. Trust Him.

Ok then. I will have complete dependence on you, Lord! 

Oh, how important it is to "cast our cares" on you. I obey your command. I refuse to care. I refuse to worry. I refuse to give one moment of my thought in anxious concern. I don't have a care in the world. Why? Because I gave them all to Jesus! I have literally unloaded all my frustrations onto Him. I have said, "Here you go God, you take them." I throw my worries at God. I am not holding one thought of fear. Not one doubt will be in my mind.

I think of my family as healthy and whole again, back at our river camp!

Much of my efforts today were spent on piecing our lives back together, and reassuring Hannah that she will be ok. I have spent most of my energies today calling/discussing the dynamics of getting the children back home and enrolled in school again, while calming Hannah's fears of being left behind. 

She has been very resistant to any change, and for good reason. If I were her I would not want to be left alone in the hospital either...let alone with her helpless condition. 

However, she is not fully aware of how disturbing it is for our children to be out of our normal routine. With time she will understand more. This is ok,  I expect her to remain focused on herself completely. I am able to carry the family until she can return. It is time though for a change, the kids cannot be uprooted from their life any longer.  I can see it in their faces. Even though my extended family has done an amazing job in caring for them, and I am so very grateful for their loving help, I need to return my children to their "normal" routine.

The doctors are saying that she will probably need another month of therapy, which will extend her hospital stay. Our lives must continue to move forward. Painful reality.

Bonner's Journal-Day 24. A Tiger dies

February 7, Day 24

I know who my strength is. 
Lord, you are my solid place! 
I lean completely on You Jesus. 

After getting Hannah prepared for the day I got Lilly from great grandmas and went to my moms. I spent the day with the kids and my brother burning brush on the property. Fresh air! I needed it. Many tough decisions ahead.

I called LHS and prepared to meet my football team on Friday and announce my resignation. This is a tough decision to move on, but I am capable. I know that this transition is the right thing to do.

I love those boys and I have given a part of my life to lead them in life, but I must keep my priorities lined up. There is no way that I can keep care of my wife in the hospital, be a father to my hurting children, commute two hours a day, teach 300 students in PE and run a football program with 150 athletes. To attempt to do so would be foolish. I owe it to my team to allow someone else to step in and give them 100%. I owe it to them to give up our dream, because I can't help them get there right now...and they need me right now, not later. I have tried to hold on to it, trying to make it all work out in my mind, but I have to let it go. I am dying again.


I know that my teaching position is tied to my coaching position...which will automatically end my employment. This is a step of faith financially. Where will my paychecks come from? Will I continue in my passion as a head coach? Did I lose all that time that I put into my athletes? 


The answers are in Him.

A great student supports me after we lost the Milk can bowl

Bonner's Journal-Day 23. Debridement

February 6, Day 23


Oh God, prune us back to the very foundation. 
Cut off the dead wood. While we are at it, just surgically remove all the rotten contaminated tissue. Debridement.

Please repair this place that you have chosen to live in...US!
How shameful it is, for me to say that God lives in me...that He has chosen to abide in my person...that He goes everywhere with me...and I do not treat Him with the respect that He deserves. 

The Holy Ghost is a gentlemen. He is not a bully. He does not force his way into peoples lives...but He whispers ever so quietly, but consistently. Why do so many of us ignore Him? He is always speaking to everyone all the time...yet so few people listen. He is trying to make our lives better, yet we want to do it our way...and ignore our conscience. It is that easy. Listen to your heart. It will lead to a Loving Father every time. 

But that stupid mind of ours needs to be reprogrammed. Too many foolish people, too many degraded television commercials, too much pride and arrogance, etc etc. Pride is the worst of all.


So I say it again. God please kill me. I desire to be like your Son. I despise everything in me that is not of you. I am a fool. I am lost. I can do nothing without you. Hear my pleas for help. I keep my focus on your good words. I will not take my attention off of you. You are my only help. You have always been my identity, you always will be my identity. I surrender.


My Daughter
I have been bringing Lilly in to see Hannah at the hospital now. I am very concerned with her coping strategies. I understand that she is a young girl, however I am overwhelmed with how dysfunctional my daughter's view of her mother is right now. She has refused to look at her mother, to touch her, or to hug her. I am not a psychologist, but I know that this is unhealthy, and that I need to correct it immediately. 

What to do has been eluding me until I received direction from the Lord during church on how to help relieve Lilly's Emotional/Anger difficulties. God is good. He always will show us the way of wisdom if we will listen. So I will begin to implement the plan that He has given. Time with mommy will be the healing she needs.

 I demand in Jesus' name that Lilly will grow from this trial, just like every other member of our family. She is under my loving care, and I demand that the Lord have His perfect shalom in her soul.

Bonner's Journal-Day 22. Our Cross

February 5, Day 22
God please help

Had a very rough night. Woke at 2 am with  bowel pains and eventually a movement. It took until 3:30 to complete the process and settle in to go back to sleep. She finally began medicine today to combat the bladder infection that she has battled for the past 3 weeks, which has stolen our sleep as well. Some times I feel like am going to break.

This is very trying on our patience; she is constantly trying to find a pain free position...and I am continually trying to help her escape the agony. She can't move an inch without me doing it. I am miserable, but I cannot imagine how much worse she has it. She cannot even move her own body. Talk about feeling trapped.

Had a refreshing time at church this morning. The Lord showed me that the cross was a trap that the enemy fell into. Satan thought he was so clever and had the Son of God destroyed, but actually his murder of Jesus ended up in explosive life that saved the world!

So it is with Hannah's situation! He tried to kill my wife...flat out. But the devil's weak attempts on our life are going to bring more people towards the One true God of Love than he can handle. I refuse for it to be any other way.

Did the enemy of man think we would give up and go away quietly? That I would fold under the pressure and turn away from God? Did Satan think I would fall for the common "blame it on God" trap? Not a chance. I am giving MORE of myself to the great healer...because Jesus is my only hope anyway. I lean EVERYTHING on the promises that God has given to me personally. I go further in Jesus than I ever did before. God has been so good to me thus far, why would He stop being amazing to me now?
Stupid devil just drove me closer to the source of my help!
 
I also extremely enjoyed time with the kids during their weekly mommy visit. It has been a major challenge as a father to be the glue. I feel the necessity to travel and make every effort necessary to ensure Hannah and the kids well being, no matter how exhausted I am. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it. Does she realize how hard this is on me? Then again, do I realize how hard it is on her? Even further, do we realize how hard it is for our children? 

God please help.

Bonner's Journal- Day 21. The great physician

February 4. Day 21

Great physician, do your perfect work in us. Jesus, put us back together! Made in your image.
 

A very difficult reality set in today when we had no therapy to be mentally engaged in. We realized that our business in appointments and therapies had become a form of escape. Saturdays have become a day to slow down and face reality.  

In normal life, how many times have we tried to "hide" in our daily schedule? How many times have we heard the voice of the Holy Spirit tell us to slow down? How many times could we have listened to our hearts, but we pressed on with anxious worry?

Here at the hospital it has been so hard to remain at ease when we have been eager to get well and return to our "normal" life...but how does location and circumstance have any bearing on the Lord's command to, "fret not, neither let your heart be troubled"?


We had a very stressful morning because we would not rest. However, we learned our lesson and ended the day in a state of peace. We went outside into the sunlight and found a quiet park like setting and just rested in the Lord.

The battle of the mind is one that we are winning by allowing the promises of God to take root in our thoughts by continual meditation of His word, prayer, and praise. We are doing what we have been taught, and it works! It has not been easy, but His ways work.

Bonner's Journal- Day 20. Re-learning

February 3. Day 20

I declare in Jesus' name that we will not be the same. This time next year we will not recognize who we used to be.
This is going to be a lot of hard work for my wife. Everything that involves movement...her dancing skill, her martial arts skill, basic everyday movements...she is going to have to re-learn. She is fighting for her life right now.

She reported feeling more confident, yet had several bouts with nausea and had to stop and sit

Bonner's Journal-Day 19. A new life

February 2. Day 19
A new assignment

Every one of God's assignments have a birthplace. Today is the birth of a new life and calling for us. We both can feel it. We know it in our spirit. Yesterday, and the old life, is gone. The interesting thing is that we do not know what our new calling looks like. Only God knows what lies ahead!

 Another daily challenge with intense & sharp low back pains, but she never quit and pressed through all rehab. 

I had to try to parent our children today over the phone with other people supervising them. After all these days how are they doing? I give them into the fathers hands and know by faith that His Angels are keeping them.
 
Today was Hannah's first shower!

Bonner's Journal-Day 18. A faith walk

February 1st.  Day 18

 Trying to get her legs to work again

New month. 

Wow!  The month of January was an interesting way to start 2012.

After 18 days we are facing some major life changes and decisions. This is a balance between recognizing the symptoms of a spinal cord injury that naturally occur, and the word of our God promising full recovery. We are expecting each day to be a day of drastic healing,  yet also determined to get the promise no matter how long it may take. 
We are trusting God to lift the burden off of our family.


Our Bible faith is being tested.
I realize that we do not pray to get our faith in God to work...but it is the exact opposite. Our faith in God causes our prayer to work.

What does God-like faith look like when your wife is trying to come out of being paralyzed?

God-like faith EXPECTS.
I expect her to gain strength...because God has promises that include strength for those who believe.
I expect her to gain balance....because God has promises that He will secure our steps.
I expect our marriage to grow closer...because God has promised that two in agreement can accomplish anything.
On and on, in every single area of our life...we continue to expect, because God has given His promises that we apply to every area of need in our life. Pick the problem, God has already provided a way to overcome it...and His name is Jesus!


We have faith in the name of Jesus.
We have faith in the blood that Jesus spilled.
We have faith in the words that Jesus spoke.....therefore we have EXPECTATION.

Standing in a box is a safe way to teach her body how to balance again

Bonner's Journal-Day 17. Losing Ground?

January 31. Day 17
Losing ground?

Excruciating morning.

Everything Hannah does requires a major process of effort, due to the effects of the spinal cord injury.
This morning her bladder did not empty enough, even after using the new toilet/shower wheelchair that they provided to make the bathroom experience more effective. The nurse had to insert a temporary catheter to empty her bladder, because she could not go through a morning of therapy with it full. This procedure was very painful. It was also frustrating for her that she wasn't seeing proper bladder function, and it seemed to her that she was losing ground. Seeing her pain was too much for me to handle.
I wept.

Sometimes, for a brief moment, I catch myself wondering, "How are we ever going to make it?"

Then I realize that our faith is not "human logic". The only source of faith we have is from the promises God gives to mankind in the Bible. Bible faith is believing what God has said, and it often goes against human reason and logic. We know that the usual stream of things in this life is fear, curse, lack, decay and death....but we are running upstream!

Reason and logic that comes from man kills faith, but hearing what God says about certain details brings life-filled faith. By continual study of the "good book" we have learned to refuse the force of fear, which controls man's usual reasoning methods...and we have launched out on an adventure of faith. We have gone beyond learning bible stories, to using bible POWER.

We have learned to reject anything that reduces our faith and brings fear upon us. Faith is a creative force, fear is a destructive force. We choose to live in the character of God, which brings faith. After all, are not we called "the children of God?" He calls me His son!

 The PT staff said that in all their years they have never seen anyone progress so quickly from a fresh SC injury to standing as Hannah.

My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart. For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh. (Proverbs 4:20-22)

Bonner's Journal-Day 16. Demonic attack

January 30. Day 16
Demonic attack

We have had some very difficult nights.
There is little room for Hannah to sleep, which has had a damaging effect on her progress. She has had a very difficult time during the day sessions because she has had so little sleep at night. Now that she is off the catheter we are having to continually wake up to use the bedpan, and the nurses come in every couple of hours to "adjust" her because they fear that she will get bed sores.

But last night was exceptionally difficult. Both of us awoke with extremely evil fear-filled nightmares. I cannot safely describe how disgustingly evil the dreams were that Hannah and I both experienced. Having "been down this road before" we knew that these were not just the usual bad dream feelings that leave someone uneasy when they awake.  

There was a literal evil presence in our room. It was such a choking degree of oppressive fear that I immediately cried out "JESUS" in a plea for help, as I was jerked from sleep. With the hair on my arms standing on end, and the overwhelming degree of fear that was gripping us, I knew that we were being attack by evil spirits. I immediately recognized them as a spirit of suicide and a spirit of fear. I also knew in that instant that they were familiar spirits with the hospital, who had been tormenting people there for many years.

Having dealt with evil spirits on several occasions over the years, I knew exactly what to do.

At first, it was defense.

Maintaining a stable mind in the presence of such filthy evil and fear...I began to thank God for His victory over all the power of Satan. Hannah and I thanked God for defeating the enemy, and stripping him of all power to harm us. We worshiped the Father for our rights as children of God, using scripture after scripture as our source of truth.

But then, I went on the offense.

I felt commanding power and I began to take full authority over our room, the 6th floor, and the hospital...all in the power that belongs to me, in Jesus. Again using the promises found in the Bible, I became righteously angry. I utilized my full rights as the King's son and demanded the demons that had come to torment us to leave, and never return. I continued to protect the hospital patients that were there around us.

We then spent an hour or so praying and worshiping in other tongues. We continued to use the powerful gift of tongues, that the Holy Spirit has given the body of Christ, until we found victory. I knew that we had won, because peace had replaced fear.

It was at this moment that God reminded me of the message that little Andrew had delivered to me the day before at church (see day 15 journal entry). That innocent, but powerful young boy, was God's messenger. It really settled in heavy on me. That child heard the voice of God, took the time to locate me after the service, and then had the courage to deliver the message to me! A message that delivered us from a demonic attack. I will never again underestimate what young children can do in God.

Today was Hannah's first visit outside. We enjoyed coffee and a scone together. Precious moment. 

We are doing everything we can to not become "problem minded", but to become "solution minded". After having a night like last night we recognize the propensity in human nature to be overwhelmed. But we know that we are entitled by Gods favor. 

We have made a covenant promise with Him, because He first made a covenant promise with us. He shows His kids preferential treatment, therefore what is normally impossible, is possible for us. He opens doors, that man says cannot be opened. He changed the very rules of this universe for us, so whatever the circumstance He will turn our adversity into a victory. 

This may sound "cocky", but that is how a child speaks about his daddy. He knows his daddy loves him, and that his daddy is the toughest guy on the block who won't let a bully come in and hurt his kid.
God has a plan for our lives.
No matter what... no devil, or any man, can keep us from that plan.
God positioned us.
God has promoted us.
God is backing us.
 

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all." (Psalm 34:19 KJV)

Bonner's Journal- Day 15. Freezer ordeal

January 29. Day 15
Freezer ordeal

After 15 days the kids & I finally got to attend our church in Madera. This is the first time that we have been together, and been back at home since the night of the Insult. The kids and I were so excited to see the group of Believers that we moved to Madera to be with, just six years ago. Words cannot express how much our family has grown since we have been under solid biblical teaching. I am not the same man I used to be.

Our church body showed such loving concern for my family and I. They showed their true colors. If I know one thing, they have been warring in prayer and praise for my family for the past two weeks!

How can I ever tell these special people how much the love of God through them has kept my mind and emotions from collapsing? 

After church a young child named Andrew approached me. He calmly informed me that God had given him a message for us. He explained that God told him that if we would pray in tongues for an hour or so that we would see a drastic change in Hannah's progress. Knowing the kind of biblical training that our church provides our children, I was not surprised at his spiritual maturity...but I chuckled with delight that God would use a young boy to deliver such an important message. Jesus said that, "unless you become like a child you cannot even SEE the kingdom of God." I will remember the direction of the Lord, sent from this little on.


The kids and I went home after church to get a few things from our home. When I opened the garage door the most rotten smell came flowing out to greet us! "What is that smell", one of the kids exclaimed, "I think something died in here", said another. I was thankful we didn't find one of our cats in there.

Come to discover, the deep freeze freezer had been off for days and the rotting meat had oozed blood all over our garage. 

I almost had a meltdown.

It is laughable what life throws you sometimes. Whether it was Satan trying to add "one more straw" to the heavy burden I have been rejecting to carry...or just a twisted coincidence...I do not know. This one event, on top of everything else, was just too much for me to handle. I just stood there and twitched with frustration. Then I just loaded the kids in the car and walked away.

My rescue team arrived and cleaned every part of that ugly stinking mess. Mark, Mel, Jesse, Adam , David , Liz , Lisa & Craig cleaned all of it, and I am so very grateful for their act of love. Wow! Such grace and love they showed my family.

On a good note:
The family got to visit Hannah today.
For everyone, there were many tears, and Gods presence was there to comfort. You could actually FEEL His peace.

Bodee had a dream that Hannah got out of bed and was dancing and singing

Bonner's Journal- Day 14. She's mobile

January 28 Day 14

watch out, she is mobile!

The catheter removal yesterday proved to be major challenge. We didn't sleep more than an hour or so all night. Several times we had to wake to do the "bed pan thing".

Hard night, but made progress. So thankful to be off the catheter.

Today Hannah pulled herself with her legs in the wheelchair. Her leg movements are very irregular, which is officially termed spasticity by the medical profession. The spasmodic movement is the effect of her spinal cord's messages not making it to all the muscles, and the muscle's feedback not making it back to the brain. This delayed signal is due to the swelling in the cord. With time and therapy we are believing that ALL her movement will be just as graceful as she was in her days of competitive dance. The God of Hannah heals completely, not just partially.

The team of therapists are regularly getting her into the standing position. These brief moments of her being vertical, even though she is basically being held up by her trainers, are "reprogramming" the spinal nerves and responding muscles.

Oh, how encouraging it is to see her progress!
I love this little woman.

She is a long way from just being able to move her left thumb and toes, as she was 14 days ago.

Bonner's Journal- Day 13. Humble & thankful

January 27. Day 13
Humble and thankful

Today's celebration was the removal of the catheter, the ability to hold her urine, and to almost clear all of her bladder at will. This is a greater hurdle than we could have ever imagined.

Thank you God!

"And those members of the body, which we think to be less honorable, upon these we bestow more honor; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness...and if one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it."
 1 Corinthians 12

Bonner's Journal-Day 12. SCI education

January 26. Day 12
More education on SCI

We are learning more from the medical staff about the common symptoms associated with a spinal cord injury

The doctors are telling us that they are not sure how much Hannah's bowel function and bladder control is hindered by the injury. They have already diagnosed a decrease in natural functioning, and they are fore-warning us of permanent damage. As they took us through a lengthy discussion about all the things to expect naturally, our faith has been severely tested.

Even though we greatly appreciate their in-depth knowledge, the possibility of permanent dysfunction has created a heavy realization on Hannah's mind and emotions. It has been especially difficult for her to battle shame when she has to endure the bowel program that the nurses have to administer in the evenings.

Equally difficult has been the pressing decision to face the immediate needs of family & work...my children have been with my parents for  almost two weeks, and I have a football program to manage.

Priorities have been made evident:

I am a son of God
I am a husband
I am a father
I am a football coach... in that order.

How does our family survive these tough times?
What can we possibly contribute to God's plan?

We will overcome as we maintain a balance of patience AND persistence. The secret is in "Doing" what He leads us to do, as we hold on patiently. Mostly, we are active in listening, preparing and learning, while resting in our circumstance. Our finite minds want the end result, and struggle to rest in adversity. It seems foolish to common thinking, but I know that something big lies on the other side of the trouble we are encountering.

But that what makes me different.
I am not a normal man, I am man of faith.
I believe what Jesus says.
If Jesus is not the healer that He says that He is, then my faith is worthless.

Bonner's Journal-Day 11. 2nd day of therapy

January 25. Day 11. 
2nd day of therapy

 Hannah is thankful to be out of bed, despite extreme dizziness and nausea

Adjusting to the timing of God, and trusting it.

Allowing patience to have its perfect work. Today we celebrated the ability to get out of bed & into a wheelchair. For us, this is a huge victory, even though it may seem small. In actuality, small victories are not really small at all. We are thankful to not be dead.

What is God accomplishing through these days of hardship?
What is He doing in these days of waiting?

He is instilling in us the necessary humility and compassion for being responsible in our future positions of leadership.
He is also revealing His nature...LOVE
He is faithful to His promises, and we can trust the methods that bring about His destined plan for our lives.

Bonner's Journal-Day 10.1st day of Therapy

Tuesday January, 24. Day 10. 1st day of Therapy 

 Began physical therapy today

The team of therapist carefully transferred Hannah out of bed and into a wheelchair. I realized how "fragile" she is right now, and how completely helpless her body has become. She essentially can do NOTHING for herself. Gravity is just too much much resistance for her weak body to overcome.
The signals being sent to her muscles are not strong enough to move anything on her own, probably due to the swelling that is still on her cord.

Therapy was torture.

Hannah was a champ. I am so proud of my wife. She is the most determined, focused and committed lady I know. During the duration of today's excruciating tests and examinations I never heard her complain or ask to quit.

I do not mean to be crude with this next statement, but the reality of the process that she is overcoming in needs to be told. Due to the devastating effects of a spinal cord injury, added to the immense amounts of narcotics that the medical staff have had to administer to her, to combat the high levels of pain ...she has not had a bowel movement for 10 days. Today she had to endure the humiliating "bowel program". She is also on a catheter to capture her urine. Often the bladder's function is hindered, and sometimes destroyed, when the spinal cord is injured.
This reality has created for Hannah, and I, a new thankfulness for the often overlooked processes of the body. Using the restroom was always just something that happened, but now we see it in a completely different light. We are expecting a complete healing in this area, and are hoping that full sensation and control will be hers soon.

It is obvious that we are being assigned to a LIVE IN facility. This is not what I envisioned. My human interpretation of God's healing had her leaping out of bed days ago, however I can clearly see that God's timetable rarely matches ours.

I do not like what seems to be coming, but I refuse to miss His blessings because of my refusal to wait on Him.

We are obviously in a DIVINE DELAY.

 If God would have just handed us an instant healing we would have had no opportunity to walk by faith.

Bonner's Journal-Day 9. Rehab center

Monday January, 23. Day 9
A New Journey
Leon Peters rehabilitation Center

Today we joined the Leon Peters rehabilitation Center on the 6th floor of the hospital. A welcome change of scenery, knowing that we are transitioning from medical care to therapy and forward progress! We were informed that there are only two spinal cord facilities in California, one here in Fresno and the other in San Francisco. Having Hannah so close to our family and friends will be critical in the days to come. Support is vital.

Let me make something very clear...
If you read this journal and only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. Our lives are carrying a PRECIOUS  Message, in the  details of a normal human ordinary life. We have a story to tell, but we as everyday people are nothing special.We know that our 'normalness' is to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power... with us, Bonner and Hannah.

Those that know know us know that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.

What they did to Jesus, they do to us...trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us...He lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, if you are REALLY listening you're getting in on the best!

We're not keeping this quiet...not on your life.

Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it," Bonner and Hannah are saying what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you who believe...alive. Every detail works to our mutual advantage and to God's glory: more and more favor, more and more people, more and more praise!

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

See 2 Corinthians 4:7-18

Bonnner's Journal-Day 8. 9th floor

Sunday January, 22. Day 8. 
On the 9th floor

It is interesting that there are two forces at work in our current situation. The further we have moved from the serious stages of this trial we are filled with a peace and knowing that God has us in His loving hand, yet the difficulty of each day increases. 

How could it get worse? 
I thought that this ordeal would lighten up once I found out she wasn't dead...but it has not.
In one aspect Hannah's future is better, in another it seams very bleak, almost overwhelming.
I am truly expecting a complete "rise up and walk" miracle each day, yet I am committed to endure patiently no matter how long the healing process may take.

 Our journey is far from over

Being on the 9th floor provided the biggest challenge so far.  I was not allowed to stay with her as I was permitted in the ICU, which proved to be the most damaging factor to Hannah's progress thus far. No matter how many times I pleaded for them to allow me to stay they forced me to leave from 9 pm to 8 am her first night. I will never forget the helpless look in my wife's eyes as I regretfully said goodbye to her for the first time since her injury. 

She wept.
She explained to me that she was afraid that she was being left in a new room, with a new nursing staff, and with absolutely no way to help herself. Her paralysis was literally imprisoning her. 


How I turned my back on her, and walked out of that room, I do not know.

When I arrived in the morning she had digressed. She was worse off than she was when I left her the night before. The fact that she was sharing a room, plus the continual noise of the monitors and active nurses caused Hannah to actually lose progress. 
After a family friend, who is a doctor, spoke to the nursing staff on the 9th floor we were allowed to stay with Hannah for the duration of the day and night. Another favor from God that helped us overcome the hurdles that kept coming.
 
In an attempt to move forward with Hannah's progress I began to do physical therapy exercises as I was instructed by the medical staff. It is surprising how aggressive the medical interventions are for a spinal cord injury, as compared to the methods of a few decades ago. The importance of immediately moving the SCI patient is critical in "retraining" the neuro-pathways, and because of this understanding people are getting well much faster than before. We were told that in the past the patient was commonly placed on a bed and not moved for a year or so, long enough for the swelling around the cord to reduce, and whatever that person could do after a year was their fate in life. Not so for Hannah. In just three days from surgery she began her movement training. Very painful, but necessary.

I believe that God sent the exact care team that we needed. Each one of them was a messenger of light, when we were in a dark place. An example of one of God's assignments was a Physicians Assistant that monitored Hannah. She became a major source of faith for Hannah and I. She gently shared her own personal victory over paralysis and gave Hannah great hope.  

I have heard it said that hope (expectation) paints the picture for your coming victories.

I have heard it said that hope (expectation) is the breeding ground for a miracle.

Today our first born son Bladen called my cell and carefully explained to me that God had sent him a dream in the night. He dreamed that his mother was healthy, healed and whole, and was in front of our home with a new car!

The report of our son's dream agreed with what God had said...FULL RECOVERY!


I BELIEVE